I am an artist.

At work yesterday an older staff member asked me if I am studying at the moment. I immediately felt my brain panic as I bumbled out that I felt like things were a bit all over the place at the moment as I was working casually at the library and at a frame shop as well...and I have a studio...for art...Why couldn't I say that I was an artist instead of speaking in the most roundabout and awkward way? 

I felt shame in saying I am an artist. I just wanted to keep putting the books back in order and not reveal anything about myself. 

Yet, I know that I am an artist. I've always felt it within me. I've always wanted it. 

But there are so many insecurities and fears wrapped up within that certainty. And it doesn't matter that I can provide mensurable examples of my professionalism through my work and exhibitions and education and studios over the last 10 years...

I have a fear of being accused that artist isn't a real job. This topic came up again at work today with a different person who asked me, "Artist...Is that what you want to do?" I tried to be more confident today after yesterday's interaction but it still lead to doubting questions. Or perhaps it is merely the questioner trying to understand. And I struggle to explain. It's not a conventional lifestyle, but it's what I want. And I have these other jobs in the hope to support myself as an artist. Right now I don't want to put pressure on myself to make money from art. Working my way off Centrelink over the last few months I've been struggling getting used to the time management of working but I've enjoyed the sense of financial independence and release from the ongoing emotional hangover of the dole. 

I've been feeling funny/strange/missing something within myself over the last few months not having produced much in the studio. I've done some bits and pieces but I feel like I've been on a rat wheel of work - mainly figuring out how to balance three jobs and go to the studio and have a social life and home/alone time. Although I haven't been producing much in the way of drawing lately, I've been to some good gigs and parties and worn some excellent costumes and made new friends/spent time with old friends and read quite a few books and been exposed to lots of ideas browsing and shelving books at work. I've written a little bit. I've applied for some residencies and begun researching places where I would like to travel. I've moved into a new studio and re-jigged my work shifts a bit to give me easier-to-work-with blocks of time. I'm keen to clear (giveaway/sell) some of my old work and I am bursting to work on new drawings. Things are in the process of coming together and I'm excited for the next few weeks and the rest of the year. 

I have to stay patient and focused (two things I can be extremely good at and occasionally ram against). Keep working and keep my mind stimulated with good things. And practise confidently saying to people that I am an artist, trying to convey some of the exciting things that are contained within that.